Snow and reflections

Kind of a crazy day today. SNOW!! The most snow that I have seen in NC since ive been here. Work was delayed till 9:30, but I found this after I scraped the ice off of my car at 7:00. The extra two hrs of sleep was much appreciated, Considering I was running on about 3 hrs at that point. Then when I got home my love seat, end tables and ottoman were delivered so now I am sitting comfy writing this out.

This portion may be ramblings, lets hope a coherent thought appears. I write for an audience of one, myself. I thought I could be stronger, I thought I had grown up, but the pain is still there. Confusion, distraught, dejection, questions, anger, are all swirling in my head. I went from cloud 9 to ground zero and I put it all on myself. I thought I would be ready for the inevitable, but I was wrong. It is too soon but there is nothing I can do nor should do to stop it. I hope for the best outcome, I hope that she is happy. I truly care, and whats best for her is all I ask. I am young and have never been able to control my emotions well. I love to love but I cant understand when I am not loved back in the same way I feel. I want everyone to be happy. But unfortunately a paradox arises when it comes to my happiness and that of someone else. Deep down if I love you, your happiness means more to me then my own. I want her to move on, I need her to, It is the only I believe she will be able to forgive me and keep whats left of the relationship strong. It is times like these when my confidence is shattered. I put forth my best effort and fail. I see where I have failed and become pissed at my self. I have a very hard time unleashing frustration and anger, only time helps, so now I prepare myself for my own self-loathing that is sure to happen.

I thought I was past this, I thought I had put it behind me. I was happy to hear forgiveness I believed it was the final piece of the puzzle and we could both be happy in our respective ways. I was not prepared, though I should have been. It may be the solitude I come home to, It may because I feel I cannot be consoled by my friends, the unfamiliar surroundings, or a lovely cocktail of all three. I know this is probably the best outcome, The road may have been rocky but journey was incredible.