and so it goes

So Ive set up the blog profile and I found myself searching for 20 minutes for the perfect picture. Am I so vain that I must advertise my image in the perfect way? I obviously don't care what people think about me in words, my about me is a movie quote and my interest is "my wang". But when it comes to a picture, nothing can be concealed, I must portray myself as either a) the image that I project myself as or b) the image that I want others to project as me. Are words not as important as photos? In describing myself do I degrade my image, improve it, add mystery, or do people find they must stop taking me seriously? I must say that I joke around very freely but I also speak from the heart in the same sentence as when I am completely sarcastic, making it hard to know where Im at, thats part of the joy about hanging out with me. Anyways I must say that I judge myself on looks more than anything else, for that is the ultimate first impression. I like to look good in pictures, I want my dress to depict my mood or to be stylish, to make a statement in some way. But I have found over and over again that people dont judge me on the same merit as I judge them.

Some judge me based on what I say, but this can be convoluted for as I have mentioned earlier I do not always say what I mean nor is it always clear (to you the listener (well maybe to me too (ha I did It, I wanted to put a parenthesise in a parenthesise, and I did it twice bitches!!))) when I am serious or being stupid (see above). Also I find myself to not have a whole lot to say. I say what I want to say and then am quite, if something catches my interest I may expound on this topic but for the most part I am content with other people talking to me and me responding to what they are saying. People who are original are fascinating to me and I believe you can learn so much about the world just by listening. I like other people to have the spotlight. But this is where it gets tricky, for Ill allow a person to bask in the glow of their own imagery, then once I am satisfied with what they have said ill start to prompt them to ask about me, so without thinking about it the conversation shifts to me and I am in the spotlight. This is where disaster strikes though, I have a hard time shifting the conversation back to them and I end up dominating the conversation and not allowing the other person to speak. It is for this reason I believe, that most of the people I am close with I would consider strong conversationalists, they are able to shift back to them or whatever they want to talk about seamlessly and the conversation is fluid. I like to gather my information from someone, interject with my own personal musings but then allow the conversation to flow back to them and have them talk to me. In all this dynamics of conversations the point is lost that the person is judging you on what you say and how you relate, and often I feel misjudged for I say to little and the conversation never really gets a head of steam to be meaningful, entertaining or for a relation to be formed.

Judgement is also made in the written word and here I feel cheated again. I would say that I can write well (in certain moods) and for the most part my ideas are developed (maybe not in this blog for this is much more a stream of conscience). But I often make very simple grammatical mistakes. I must look up words constantly to get close enough so that spell check is able to know what I mean, or to make sure it is even a word. Homonyms drive me crazy and dont make much sense to me. I omit words, or completely butcher the meanings of words or phrases so that what I really mean is completely lost. Im not really sure on past, present future tense or all the tenses in between, or subject phrases. I must reread everything I write at least twice, which makes me feel even stupider for I know I have made mistakes but I cannot figure out where. Overall language is a struggle for me and no matter how hard I try to push back I never feel mastery of the subject. That is another large reason I have decided to blog, for I see it as a way for me to practice forming correct sentences, using the the correct then or there. But in the mean time one will have to just read with a grain of salt and realize that my writing is not (in my opinion) a true rendition of who I am.

But really how is one to judge? If not from image, speech, or written word than from what? Action is all I have left, but a lot of the times Action is just an extension of one of these three. I guess you will just have to get to know me, and to truly understand where I am coming from.

Also who the fuck bases their opinion on someone by an e-profile? Or more importantly who wants people to base their opinion of them on an e-profile? Pedophiles, that's who.